Diary of an Underachieving Churchgirl

The sun sets on a perfect weekend. My heart wants so badly to be sad. Sad that two years ago my dad lay breathing in a hospital bed, squeezing mom's hand, even then trying to make everyone else feel better. Sad that my little family will grow up and change and away. Sad that these indeed are the days, and one day soon I will only remember them. Sad that the sun sets on perfect days. My heart wants to be sad. It tries to be sad, but my Savior won't let it. He sits by me and keeps lifting my head so that I am looking into His eyes. There is no sadness. There is only abundant life, in ways and in places we don't yet know. There is hope. I will run into my Daddy's arms again one day. Mom will not have a piece of her heart missing any longer in loneliness for him. The sun will rise and set, rise and set on all sadness that comes, on all pain, on all aching good-byes and I miss you, on all sickness, death, and fears about what the near future may bring. Bu...

I went to church on Sunday. I haven't attended church for months. I left my former church because my pastors were flippant about God's Word. They read Matthew Vine's book, "God and the Gay Christian," and other books, which make the case that God is not opposed to homosexuality. They attended a weekend conference hosted by The Reformation Project. They visited my small group and said, we are not entirely convinced being homosexual is sinful, or that same-sex marriage is at odds with God's Word. And so I left, but, in reality, they left me first. I am the faithful follower of Christ who reads God's Words to us and who treasures them. I am the member of the flock who befriends and loves the lesbians in our midst. They are welcome, they are vital, they are loved. They are also in sin, and I am the sheep who looks to the shepherd of the flock to shepherd us. My pastor did not want to shepherd. He refused to shepherd my friends who persisted in the...

"Mainstream Christianity in America has failed. It looks nothing like Jesus."  --Stephen Mattson This churchgirl knows a thing or two about not meeting the mark. Every Christian certainly underperforms in the things that Jesus excels at. In looking at the way He lived His earthly life, it's hard to reconcile our present-day western Christianity with 40-day fasts in the desert, show-downs with the Devil, spontaneous healings, dead people rising, walking on water, calming the sea, revolutionary teachings, and frequent seclusion in the wilderness to pray, let alone rolling out a movement that would change the world. But, underachieving is one thing. Failing is quite another. As long as there is Christ, His Church will not fail, because Christ never fails. Writing for "Sojourners" (https://sojo.net), Stephen Mattson does not mince words. His condemnation of the American church is as scathing as it is thorough. According to Mattson, our sins are many. ...

"I will sing to the LORD, for He has      triumphed gloriously;   He has thrown both horse and rider      into the sea!"  --Miriam the prophet God directed the exiting slaves to the Red Sea, as recorded in Exodus 14. They became trapped, with the Red Sea before them, the pursuing Egyptian army fast approaching behind. What would you do? What would I do? Most likely, we would despair, as the people did. There's no way out! Moses, the guy who convinced us to do this foolish thing, it's all his fault! But Moses told the people, "Don't be afraid. Just stand where you are and watch the LORD rescue you. The Egyptians that you see today will never be seen again. The LORD Himself will fight for you. You won't have to lift a finger in your defense!" Moses knew God would make a way. And, He did. The sea split open, and they crossed on dry land. The Egyptians pursued, and the sea closed up. "When the people of...

I'm excited to write here my New Year Resolutions. I want to partner with God this year in my pursuit of Him in everything, so I have committed to a daily Bible reading plan. It's an app on my iPhone called "Read Scripture," produced by The Bible Project. If you don't know The Bible Project, check them out on YouTube. They are two guys-- Jon and Tim-- and their team of creators in Portland, Oregon. They make short, informational videos about each book of the Bible, and also theme videos. So, this daily reading app actually has the Bible text on it, so you don't have to drag your giant Bible around with you, you just need your phone. On the first day, for example, the app directed me to read Genesis 1-3 and a Psalm, and the reading was right there. Also, there were two videos to watch. One was a short overview of the book of Genesis, and one was a theme video on "the kingdom of God." There are not videos to watch every day, but every day has a porti...

"The LORD's instruction is perfect, reviving one's very being. The LORD's laws are faithful, making naïve people wise. The LORD's regulations are right, gladdening the heart. The LORD's commands are pure, giving light to the eyes. Honoring the LORD is correct, lasting forever. The LORD's judgements are true. All of these are righteous! They are more desirable than gold-- than tons of pure gold! They are sweeter than honey-- even dripping off the honeycomb! No doubt about it: Your servant is enlightened by them; There is great reward in keeping them." Psalm 19:7-11 When we worship God, do we include God's instruction, His laws, His regulations, and His commands on our list of things we praise and honor Him for? What about His judgements? Do we love them like great treasures of gold or like honey dripping from the comb? When we open up the scriptures, do we rejoice to discover we will read Deuteronomy, where thousan...

Isolation sets in fast. The former Sunday morning habit now feels like gearing up for a job interview. There is nothing to wear. Do I have to put on makeup? It's exhausting. But the call of corporate worship beckons like a distant angels' song. I long to grasp my fellow Christian's hand as we join with billions around the world in prayer, to sing alongside brothers and sisters in joyful worship, to laugh together at the teacher's jokes while he opens up the Word of God and fills us with our daily bread, to sit together in happy fellowship with our Lord, our Friend, Jesus, there with us, in our very midst. What has brought me to this place of longing is a forsaking. In truth, I was not loved, I was not cared for, I was not shepherded in my former church, as I had thought I was. My pastor and his elders turned from the truth and together, with help from others sneaking down the shadowy path of alternative theology, chose to form a new gospel. I wasn't the only o...